MAN: This is ground control
Citation Zebra-Bravo is landing on Runway 3-0 right
Police and security to full alert immediately
MAN 1: Rolex watches.
You know the name, now own the watch.
Oh, you little rascal, running away like that.
Are you all seeing how he is running around?
He is programmed to be doing that.
This is a highly sophisticated robot for $19.95.
No tax, please note.
Hey, uncle, are you wanting to buy? Uncle, there's no obligation.
Rolex. Rolex watch.
You know the name, now own the watch.
MAN 2: How much is that? The ultimate in Swiss craftsmanship.
No doubt you've seen these on sale at Tiffany's for $1700.
I deal in volume. My special price to you today, 39.95.
39.95. How are you gonna beat that?
You gonna beat that? How are you gonna beat that?
Would you like a robot?
How's your line moving, pal?
They're not selling like pancakes, that is for certain.
Maybe I should be selling them door-to-door, huh?
Door-to-door? In this town?
Did you just fall off the banana boat or what?
I do not travel with bananas, sir.
And I'll have you know I've been kicking
around town for two days' time already.
Really?
Interested in upgrading your image? Up my image?
FRED: I'm gonna let you have half of my inventory, huh?
What would you say to that?
WOMAN 1: Ooh! What the...?
WOMAN: Wha...? MAN: Why, hey. Oop.
WOMAN: Oh, look at that.
Wait, Mr. Slater, look, look. You haven't seen this.
You haven't seen this before. Check it out.
Look, see? They're hands.
They clap.
I know it'll sell. Sandy, we don't sell novelty items.
Now how many chances am I supposed to give you?
I told you l want high tech and I want it now.
For Christmas, not Easter, got it?
Yes, sir, high tech.
I'll can the hat and I'll keep looking.
And if you don't mind, Miss Banatoni, some of us are trying to work.
Ah. That's better.
Silence is better than Little Richard?
I can let you have these, rock bottom, wholesale.
You're gonna clean up.
That is nice of you, but I'm occupying myself...
The toy robot business, that's pathetic.
They're not gonna move. Not in this town.
Excuse me, is this yours?
Yes.
It is called Number Five.
It rolled right past my office.
Listen... FRED: Excuse me.
My friend and I were taking a meeting. Who are you?
Sandy Banatoni, assistant buyer, Simpsons Toy Department, okay?
Listen, these are great toys. Thank you.
I showed this to my boss, he loves it.
Where did you get them? Oh, I am making them.
I am Ben Jahrvi.
Titanic Toy Corporation. Like the ship?
I'm sorry I haven't heard of you. Where are you located?
Well, actually, I am based in that vehicle right over yonder.
No, I mean, where is your assembly plant, your offices?
Well, you're also there. It is also my home.
You mean you make these yourself?
In there? Yeah.
Yes, you see, robotics is the only livelihood I am knowing.
Are you wanting to purchase one?
See the hands? They bendy like that.
We deal in volume. I couldn't possibly order less than a thousand.
One thousand? A thousand.
A thousand? We could do a thousand.
No perspiration, if the per-unit price is at all attractive.
Who are the "we"?
We could go maybe 50 a piece?
Oh, no, I'm only charging $19.95. A day, to rent.
If you wanna buy them wholesale, 50.
We could live with 50 a piece. Okay.
Maybe, but seriously, how long before you could deliver?
Oh, well, you just want a rough estimate of how long?
Yes, yes, 1000 robots?
This is a ballpark figure, you know? We round it off...
They could be ready for delivery middle of October.
Really? 1993.
Rolex.
Get a Rolex watch.
Look, I'm sorry for wasting your time.
We're in two different worlds here.
I mean, l'd have to have them in, like, 30 days.
Thirty days?
I'm sorry. Oh, wait a minute.
You know, he meant with our current facilities.
But we could expand our operation, you know?
We can get more personnel, a larger factory.
Once we get your cash advance, we could be in high gear.
Again you say this "we" part, sir.
My boss would never go for cash advance.
For Simpsons, we'll forego the advance.
Tell you what. How does this sound?
We'll show up at your door October 15th this year with 1000 of these fine robots.
You guarantee to buy them $50 apiece, COD, huh? Huh?
Okay. Yeah, okay.
Get your lawyers on the paperwork. We got a deal.
Thank you, thanks very much.
We are making a deal. Well, this is most pleasantly pleasing.
I am studying with fervor to become a citizen of your country 'tis of thee.
You are appreciating my robots, huh? Yeah.
Did you ask me a question?
Benny, merchandise is running away. Get back here, you're grounded.
Bye, now. I'm going to take your batteries out.
Bad boys.
FRED: First things first. Before the first thing is a question.
Who are you and what is your good name, sir?
Fred Ritter. I'm in the entrepreneur business.
I ask financial questions like "Where's your capital?"
Washington, D.C.
All right. Simple words.
How are you gonna build those robots yourself with no money?
I am thinking I will contact my friends Newton and Stephanie in Montana.
Perhaps they can assist me financially.
Montana? You got friends here.
I just got you your big break. Tell me what you need.
Oscar, step aside.
POLICEMAN: Stay back, ladies. Back, there.
REPORTER: Mr. de Ruyter, may we have a word?
Mr. de Ruyter, welcome to the U.S. and welcome to First Federal Trust.
It's a great honor for all of us at the bank and I'd like...
Might we step inside, please?
Oh, yes. Yes, indeed.
Madson steel alloy, A450.
Of course. Built by Heimdall, completely custom.
I must say, we're really quite, quite proud of it.
Mm-hm.
Gentlemen, the Vanderveer Collection.
We'll keep them here until one day
before the exhibition is to open at the museum.
Of course, during the day we'll have a special detail of six armed guards.
And at night, they'll be augmented by 12
strategically-placed security personnel.
DE RUYTER: Excellent. DARTMOOR: Glad you approve.
You already owe me a substantial sum, Fred.
Comes due in 30 days. Yes, Mr. Arnold, l'm aware.
But it takes money to make money.
And this is a sure thing. With this, I am guaranteed in the black.
And you. Your money, your interest is in your pocket in full, on time.
No bullshit.
And this time, I have great collateral.
Fifty-five Rolex watches.
You know the name, now own the watch.
I know the name, Fred.
And your body is your collateral.
Oh.
Now, this does not change our original contract.
Absolutely not.
Still owe me everything. Absolutely.
In 30 days. Thirty days.
FRED: This is it, your new factory rented just for you.
Right here?
You see? This is why I'm studying to become citizen of your great country.
In one day's time only,
a man can go from a mean street corner like this one
to a tall skyscraping building like that one.
What are you talking about? Not the bank.
One-eighty, over here.
Huh?
Midtown, centrally located,
been here since 1902.
Beautiful, huh?
And a historic building.
Come on.
Huh?
It's unbelievable, isn't it?
They're gonna tear it down in a couple of months.
Sweet-talked them into a short-term lease.
Really? Got it for a song.
It will work, though, right?
It's got everything we need.
It's got walls and windows.
Phone service.
All the square footage you could ask for.
Hi.
FRED: Benny, I'd like you to meet your production staff.
They're fast learners, they're hard workers,
and, hey, minimum wage.
Now here's your budget for tools and parts and all that.
I promised our staff a three-course dinner.
Got my favorite table reserved at McDonald's.
Excuse me?
How are you obtaining this financial funding?
A little muscle, a whole lot of hustle.
Everybody get a watch?
WOMAN: Yeah, I got a watch.
Come on, you like McNuggets?
BEN: Who is he? FRED: Trust me.
JONES: I don't believe it.
SAUNDERS: Well, this is just great.
Just great. Who the hell are they?
Nobody's supposed to be here.
Slow down, Saunders.
God, I knew l should've stayed away from this.
So leave. Go back to your two-bit computer scam.
You were doing so good, huh? Huh?
All right. Now how much time do we need?
Ha! You gotta be kidding.
We're not even past utility lines yet.
The soil density is much lower than l figured.
We're gonna have to start shoring every five feet.
There's no way we'll ever get to those jewels before...
How much time?
If we have to stop digging for more than five days,
we'll never make it in time.
We gotta get them out of here or we can kiss those diamonds goodbye.
Hey, Benny, where did you get the idea for this thing?
Oh, no, no. Split conductor cable, remember?
Mm-hm.
Before I arrived in the city, I was working in Oregon for Nova Robotics.
Together with my friend, Newton, we designed
and we built the real Number Five robot.
Unfortunately, the military got hold of him
and decided to use him as a weapon of death and destruction.
You mean you were making these things for real
and now you make toys for a living? Gee.
Well, the real Number Five, he malfunctioned and...
Well, let us just say that we were separated from our jobs.
Well, when you have completed this robot, we will have 25.
FRED: Voila, my man.
Number 25.
Twenty-four.
Excuse me, sir, but we are not open to the public.
Oh, hello. Can l...?
Hey, come on now, guys.
You're jumping the gun here. Arnold said I got 29 more days.
Hey, watch the silk.
JONES: Come on, let's do it.
Oh, no, sir, please, don't touch...
No, please, don't leave.
Don't forget the circuit... Tester.
BEN: Not the circuit tester. Oh!
Oh, now, Fred, get up, you chicken.
You have to learn to defend yourself.
But who would be doing this to struggling business persons like ourselves?
I thought it was somebody l knew. No, wait, sir, wait.
Oh, now, now we are unemployers.
Oh, look. We still got all of the robot parts in the van.
I can get a new staff together.
We are having no more money and now having no equipment.
To assemble the robots with our naked hands,
it would be slower than mole's asses in January.
Benny, you leave me with my back to the wall here.
We gotta come up with something. It's not possible.
We are people who have everything in our favor going against us.
Look, look, how about this.
How about we go to the lady at Simpsons and we beg for an advance?
I mean, we go in there and we grovel. We look really pathetic.
MAN: Mountain Lion Air Freight. We got a delivery for you.
Oh, yeah?
We've had enough deliveries for one day, pal.
MAN: Mr. Benjamin Jarvee, right? Jahrvi.
MAN: Yeah, we should leave it out here or what?
Yeah, leave it out there.
Yeah, it is for you. Who knows you're here?
I have only told my friends in Montana.
I've never seen that happen before.
What the hell is this crap?
Who is caring? This crap is moving.
Hello, bozos.
Benjamin.
Oh, come here, give me a hug. Oh, it's so good to see you.
Number Five.
For you from Stephanie.
All-natural granola brownies. No preservatives or additives.
That's the real one. That's the real Number Two.
Number Five. Number Five.
Please, call me Johnny Five. Johnny?
You've taken name for yourself?
I choose many things for myself,
but did not choose traveling in a box.
I choose to fly tourist class, but they say I'm cargo.
No movie, no magazine, no bag of peanuts.
Yeah, but what are you doing here? I am not understanding.
JOHNNY: Oh, listen. Ahem.
Dear Ben,
we decided that the only way we could help was to send Number Five
He can build your toy robot
But you know how crazy he is for input so please keep an eye on him
Good luck Love, Stephanie and Newton
Oh, Benjamin, this is your home?
Domicile? Flophouse?
Oh, Fred. Lady luck's here sitting in our laps today.
She is, huh? You said this thing misfunctioned on you.
Oh, that is a falsity.
What happened was we were working on him one day.
Suddenly, he was struck by lightning.
From this moment on,
he's having a mind of his own.
So the government tried to destroy him so he ran away.
So now, he's living with my friend in Montana,
in a cabin, in the woods, incognito.
Ooh! Input. Hound of the Baskervilles
I think the chauffeur did it.
He did.
Hey, listen very carefully.
I am thinking we should not tell him he is in major metropolitan area.
If he is discovering he's in whole city full of input, he will go insanely crazy.
You mean this thing just runs by itself?
JOHNNY: Thing? An object without life?
A personal possession? Incorrect.
Johnny Five not a thing. Yeah, right.
What I mean is, is it remote-controlled or what?
Well...
You would not believe me, huh?
Number Five?
Hm? Johnny Five.
Johnny is a very cute name, huh? I like it.
Come here. Come on.
This is my friend, Fred.
Oh, hello, Fred.
No, over here, yeah. Oh, right, sorry.
Perhaps Fred would like a little demonstration
of how you will be helping us out of this
sticky predicament we are now stuck inside of.
Here, please assemble. JOHNNY: Sure.
Okay, check diagram,
and keep fine tread assembly dry.
Okay and...
Insert Tab B into Slot B. Whoa.
Don't forget the nernies.
This one's here.
Let's get part of that fused in.
It's me. Isn't that special?
We're home free. It can build them all, right?
Mm-hm.
MAN 1: What is it, Matumwa?
JOHNNY: Okay now, the next set of parts.
Completed number 74, Benjamin.
Benjamin?
The government is divided into three trees.
Branches.
Hmm.
WOMAN: We'll return to Tarzan The Fearless after these messages
MAN: Like l said, it's the all-new RadioShack stereo
And just look at these prices. Whoa!
I admit it. I need therapy
But till I'm cured, you can save big
So come on, come on
Take advantage of Manic Mike's emotional problems
I just gotta sell, sell, sell
l can't help it. Look at me
l'm in a panic, l'm frantic and l'm... manic
Whoa, nutso Hmm.
Interesting human.
It's incredible.
They have got a robot doing all the work for them.
Operating completely unsupervised,
a totally mobile, independent robotics system.
Saunders, are they moving out or not?
What, are you kidding me?
The stuff we smashed is worth nothing compared to that thing.
These guys must be loaded.
What are they doing in that building? Probably bought the building.
Okay, so we get rid of the robot.
JOHNNY: Benjamin.
Bwana Benjamin. Wake-up call.
JOHNNY: Up and at them, Benjamin. Time for recharging.
BEN: Good morning. Morning.
You have an alternative power supply, huh?
Lithium-argon liquid battery, good for 500 hours.
Improvement on your design. Cut the bugs out.
Yes, and l am proud of you. You removed your laser weapon, huh?
Weapon is to kill, disassemble, make dead.
Unacceptable.
You have made many modifications upon your person, huh?
You have come a long way from the Defense Department prototype.
You betcha. It's the all-new Johnny Five.
Just look at these items.
Increased memory, 500 megabytes online.
I come with a utility pack, dozen gadgets for outdoor living,
Greenpeace stickers, even my own Nike swoosh.
And if you act now, I'll throw in absolutely free
my all-new multi-frequency remote control.
You're a crazy man, huh?
FRED: Hey, hey, hey.
Guys, I'm trying to sleep up here.
I can't help it. I'm in a panic.
I'm frantic and I'm... manic.
Hey, Fred, it is time to wake up, huh? The early bird gets worms.
What is the time being?
Oh, 8:37 a.m. and 17 seconds.
Oh, my God. Eighteen. Nineteen.
I'm suppose to go to Simpsons to sign the papers.
Benjamin, l'll go with you. I'd love more input.
No, Johnny Five, you... You must wait here, huh?
It's... You stay here and...
There is nothing outside. It is very boring out there.
Everything you need is here, huh?
I'll be back soon. It is very boring out there.
No input, huh. Boring, boring, boring.
Dubious.
Hard to believe.
Excuse me. Oh.
Oh, hi. Mr. Jahrvi, right?
Jahrvi, but you can call me B-E-N. L spell it Ben.
Ben, hi. So how's it going?
Oh, great. Oh. Yeah?
This for you. Oh.
Ben, it looks great. Thank you.
Hey, this looks even better than your prototype.
So you can actually mass-produce with this quality and still meet our deadline?
Yes. Great, great.
So why don't you go down and see my secretary about signing the papers?
I don't know why.
No, I mean, you should go. Oh, I mean yes.
Yeah, okay, good. Yes.
Well, so good luck with the rest of them and be in touch.
Oh. Uh...
♪ Please won't you be My neighbor? ♪ ♪
Hi, neighbor
I've been thinking about you
and I thought you might like to see Hisher Boottrunk
Hisher is a ventriloquist's dummy JOHNNY: Hm?
He isn't alive
l'm alive I'm a human being like you
Hisher is made of papier-mâché and wood,
and except for pretend, Hisher doesn't have feelings
l have feelings
l have skin and bones.. Yeesh.
Hey, gently with the shirt.
That's my Bisana. Lt's a $190 shirt.
I got it for 45.50 off the truck.
Wanna hand me the Labatt's?
Sure.
Wouldn't want you to strain yourself.
Can you say, "Thank you?"
Why don't you see if you can hunt up more of those cashew nuts.
MR. ROGERS: Oh, there's somebody at the door
Wash his socks, iron his shirts...
Jeez!
Just like animals in a jungle, I swear to God.
The people in this city, it's like back-to-the-trees time.
City?
I am in a city?
I didn't say that. This is actually no place at all.
You shouldn't waste your time. There's really nothing to see out there.
I mean... Yeah, you could see for yourself. It's pretty dull.
JOHNNY: Whoa! Hmm!
FRED: It's not much of a place to see, really, is it?
Major metropolis.
FRED: Come on now. We got toys to make.
Was not told I was in a city. Why?
Look, just get back to work.
You're ordering me?
I'm not slave-O-matic. I'm Johnny Five. I'm alive.
Yeah, and my Aunt Bertha's a toaster.
Come on, get to work.
No, thanks, I've never seen a city.
Time for sightseeing. What do you need with sightseeing?
Excuse me. Unh!
Wow!
Input.
Megabytes of input.
Oh, watch your toes.
Look at this place. It's amazing.
It's like Montana, only vertical.
Buildings, skyscrapers, urban habitats.
L am impressed.
Oh. A mobile human.
Uch! Woman carrying a dead animal.
Hm. Outdoor plumbing.
WOMAN: It must be Candid Camera.
Oh, hot dogs.
Pork snouts, nitrites, red dye number five.
Hello there, pedestrians, city dwellers, young urban professionals.
Nice place you got here.
Whoa! Human porcupines.
Smile. Woo-hoo!
What's going on?
MAN: Okay, red to black, red to black, red to black.
Red card. Everybody can play this game.
Winners all the time. Here we go. Red to black, red to black, red to black.
Red card, okay, pick a card. JOHNNY: That one.
L win.
Hey, what the hell am l looking at here?
WOMAN 2: Look, it's a droid. Kiss off, geek, come on.
L did not win? Hey, look, who's running this thing?
Get this ugly mother out of my face. Out of my face.
Okay. Well, excuse me for living.
MEN: Los Locos kick your ass
Los Locos kick your face
Los Locos kick your balls lnto outer space
Yo, that ain't gonna work on this kind of lock, sucker.
Push on the window. Push.
Push, man.
JOHNNY: I'll unlock it.
A droid. It's a droid.
Is it a cop, man? No, man, l seen that shit before.
I've seen it too.
It's a... lt's a...
A Mitsubishi. Not Mitsubishi.
Am Johnny Five. It's talking, man.
Sure, sure, sure, they all do that, man.
Hey, what are you doing here?
I'm sightseeing, but many people are angry. Why?
That's your car, man? Are you looking out for it?
No. Come on.
Are you angry too? No, man, no.
L wanna be your friend.
Listen, you can open any car you want?
Sure. Hey, you know, man.
You wanna help us out?
We got this big job, you know.
We go around looking for old car stereos
that need to be, like, polished up and repaired and stuff.
And that's what we do.
And then we put them back the cars and everybody's happy.
Yeah, we work for the Department of Car Stereo Repair.
Yeah, man, and we're really overworked.
We got too many cars to do today.
See all those cars? JOHNNY: Yeah.
We got to do all those cars.
We don't even get to go home to see our families
and little babies and stuff.
Aww
ZORRO: ls it doing it? L don't see nothing.
L think it split, man.
JOHNNY: l got radios, I got stereos, I got tape decks and CDs.
Everything you need for car sound system at low, low prices.
I can't help it, look at me, I'm in a panic, l'm frantic and I'm:
Manic.
Hola, dude.
Check it out, man. Pretty nice, eh?
Por favor, need assistance to find Benjamin and Frederick,
135 West Lafayette Boulevard.
Yeah.
Yeah, that's right across the street. Oh.
What is this? Some type of stunt?
A joke? No humor is involved.
Collecting mucho input. Urban input.
Hey, be careful.
Be careful. You really should cross at the crosswalk.
You lost Number Johnny Five? Hold it.
Now you stop backing up, you untrustworthy person.
Now get up, get up. L did not lose him.
He just ran out. He went ape on me.
My friends have trusted me, now l have lowered them down.
Your friends? What about me? This is a major screwing up.
What about this business? OSCAR: Excuse me.
L found this machine across the street.
Number Johnny Five.
Am l not telling you not to go outside of doors?
Outside of doors is city.
Awesome input. You did not tell me.
You have been vandalized all over yourself.
No, decorations. Multi-colored petroleum by-products.
Los Locos kick your ass Los Locos kick your face
Los Locos kick your balls lnto outer space
Number Johnny Five. Uh-oh.
Come on, I will clean you up. But...
If you had a mouth, I'd wash it out with soap.
But l...
You really saved our bacon there. Thanks a lot.
That thing is remarkable.
Is it yours? Yeah, there's only one and we got it.
Yeah, we're using it to build this fine line of quality toys.
That's very nice. Isn't that cute?
Oh, my name is Oscar Baldwin. L work at the bank across the street.
L thought this building had been vacated.
Maybe you'd like to join the Neighborhood Merchants' Association.
I happen to be the membership committee chairman.
We're on a short-term lease. We'll be gone in a month.
You have removed 57 car stereos
Uh-huh. From automobiles?
What? You were out ripping stuff off?
Not ripping, unscrewing.
I helped my friends, the Department of Car Stereo Repair.
Sick dummy, you were boosting car stereos.
Stealing, okay? You were stealing. You got fingerprints?
No, he doesn't. Stealing?
To take another person's property without permission unlawfully?
But they said it's their job. Tomorrow they'll put them back.
No, they scammed you. See, they tricked your ass.
I've got more brains in my left nostril than he's got in his whole erector set.
L was tricked? Flimflammed?
Hornswoggled? You see, this is not the countryside.
This is the cityside.
There are very many people here and people here are very complicated.
I should know. L spent my entire lifetime
as one and still I do not understand them.
Now, please, will you stay inside?
Okay. Okay, thank you.
Let's go, Saunders. I think l'm allergic to this stuff.
Oh, come on.
WOMAN: Key is in the ignition Key is in the ignition
Get it. I got it.
Dear Stephanie, the toys are almost done.
This city is nice, but people here get angry easily.
Maybe they need more fiber in their diet.
Or maybe it's just me.
Love, Johnny.
P.S., enclosed is something called a chili dog.
Hm. Masks? Disguises?
Excuse me, gentlemen, our showroom closes at 6.
Hey. Ow!
Come on. Let's get that craphead.
A-ha.
Have a seat, gentlemen.
Why are you angry? Why try to disassemble Johnny Five?
Bad humans.
BOTH: Whoa!
Please allow me to demonstrate the law of centrifugal force.
Please return your seat backs and tray tables to their full upright positions.
Preparation for landing.
Robot ejects prowlers, film at 11.
Yeehaw!
To the moon, Alice.
Who are these masked men and what do they want?
Does everybody get treated this way?
Now we gotta get a security system.
Security system? Sure.
♪ R-E-S-P-E-C-T That is what I'd like for me ♪
Johnny Five, lower your volume. L cannot hear myself forgetting what I'm studying.
Makes me unable even to remember the name of Warren G. Harding. Harding?
Johnny.
Hi, Oscar. I... I...
I thought this would interest you.
Sightseeing tips. Lots of input.
Oscar, thank you.
And I'll read it again later.
Found one for you. Great.
Got it? Yep.
Hello there.
L just thought I'd drop off that application for you.
Oh, yeah, thanks, I'll get to it right away.
What's he doing anyway?
Making homemade contraption to protect my friends.
Let me ask you. How does that thing work?
You operate it by remote control? No, you just talk to it.
Absolutely amazing.
L know a little bit about computers,
and we'd expect to pay no less than a half a million for something like him.
Johnny Five total value, $11,002,076.17.
Ha, ha! Eleven million dollars, you see.
And well worth it.
Capable of doing anything, and a marvelous personality to boot.
Thank you, Oscar. Adios.
L like Oscar. He's friendly. And he treats me with:
♪ R-E-S-P-E-C-T ♪
♪ Sock it to me, sock it to me, Sock it to me ♪
BEN: Amendment two, a right to have bare arms.
All right, what's the deal here? What?
I'm talking about a robot worth 11 million bucks?
Yeah, so? So, Benny.
Why are we killing ourselves making toys for a lousy 50 grand?
Why don't we sell the big one? What? This is not possible.
For very personal reasons.
Number Johnny Five cannot be sold in any way howsoever.
Am l making myself completely transparent to you?
Oh, yeah, transparent as hell.
Out of all the partners I could've picked,
l get the one that doesn't wanna be rich.
Of course, if everybody was rich then everybody would have a Bisana.
Benny, hey. Grab your jacket, I'm taking you to lunch.
I've been thinking about this girl, Sandy.
You have?
And how she's got your jeans steaming.
Oh, no, that's not true.
It's always a surprise, the kind of guys they go for.
You'd think it'd be somebody like me, right? No.
It always turns out to be a guy just like you.
BEN: But she's not even recognizing me when she's seeing me.
I'm telling you. You know what you got to do?
You got to break it up with a little small talk.
You know, small talk?
First, start out by talking about the weather.
Then you move on to complimenting her shoes or her earrings.
Then you can move on to something a little more personal.
Tell her you find yourself fascinated by her hypnotic blue eyes.
I paid yesterday. Bill's gonna pick it up today.
WOMAN: Who? Hey, Bill. How you doing?
Good game. Great game.
A fine, fine young athlete. I'm with him.
Hypnotic blue eyes. Hypnotic blue eyes.
Yeah, that sounds good. That sounds real good.
You're on a roll. Know what I'd do if I were you?
What? I'd go see Sandy today.
Today? Absolutely.
Yeah, right after lunch.
I'm not that hungry myself. I can go take care of the store.
You go for the groceries. I'll cover for you.
Go for it. You think so?
FRED: Absolutely. Thank you, Fred.
Sandy Banatoni.
FRED: Come on, J. Five, l got some people that are dying to meet you.
Frederick, I have an important question. Why do humans not like me?
Call me craphead? They like you.
Craphead is a compliment.
Oh.
JOHNNY: Check it out. Major input.
Frederick, wait here. I'll be right back after these words.
Input, input, input. Whoo!
No, look out.
Input!
Input. Watch it, hold it.
Input. Treasure Island
Origin of The Species
Everything You Always Wanted To KnowAbout Sex. Hm.
Five?
Ahh. More.
Fabulous.
JOHNNY: That was good. L like that one, that one too.
Boring.
The movie was better.
These two are wonderful.
Five, what are you doing? You're gonna get us busted here.
Frederick, l must read these two books very carefully.
Two excellent books. May l have these, craphead?
Five, come on, we gotta go. Hm? But, Fre...
Do you see those two guys down there?
They wanna take your books away.
Nice going, ace. Read any good books lately?
Oh, yes, l covered many great subjects. Philosophy, art, religion, aerobics.
But, Frederick, there's so many more.
L could do the whole store in 35 minutes.
Give me a break.
L got you some input, didn't I? Now do something for me.
Okay. And watch the shirt.
Silk. Yeah, damn right.
From the Bombyx mori moth caterpillar, or silkworm.
L don't care.
Come on, we'll gonna be late.
This is far too risky. I mean, broad daylight.
JONES: All three of them are gone. It's the only chance we'll get.
We'll be out of here in under two minutes.
L used to do this for a living. It'll be a controlled fire.
JOHNNY: Ladies and gentlemen
Direct your attention to the person or persons attempting illegal entry
here at 135 West Lafayette Boulevard
They are criminals, thugs, bad dudes, desperados
So get the police, the Lone Ranger, Dirty Harry,
Mean Joe Greene, the Green Berets, the Green Hornet. Woo-hoo!
No, it can't be.
The Nova project was scrapped and the robots were destroyed.
I'm telling you. It's a Nova robot.
JOHNNY: Follow the red card. Winners all the time.
Everybody's a winner. Follow the red card, red or black.
Follow the red card, not the black card.
Everybody step right up, take a chance.
No, it's just that me and Ben Jahrvi, he's my partner.
We've got... Ben Jahrvi?
Yeah. Ben Jahrvi.
Wasn't he with Nova Robotics? He was Newton Crosby's partner.
MAN: Whatever happened to those guys?
They were supposed to be such hotshot engineers.
WOMAN: Incredible adaptability.
It's a breakthrough in artificial intelligence.
Hi. Very impressive, Mr...
Ritter, Fred Ritter, nice to meet you. Ritter, huh?
You say it's not remote control but
how else can you get such a range of abilities?
Corporate secrets,
which I will, of course, explain in detail once we have a sale.
That is, if you're interested.
Well, yes, of course we are interested.
Sale, contract by which ownership of property is transferred.
What property is for sale?
Well, you, l hope.
Fred wants to sell me?
Come on, it's just a figure of speech. Am not property, Frederick.
One whose person is under control of another as master is a slave.
That's all we need. A robot who's into equal rights.
Five, if you blow this, I'll pull your head off.
I swear to God I will.
But they cannot purchase me, cannot, l am alive.
I'm endowed by my creator with certain inalienable rights...
Falling 32 feet per second. Unacceptable.
Better hurry before I make a big hit on Broadway. Whoo.
Steady. Watch the trim.
Oh, it's great up here.
No problems.
MAN: Look, look up there.
WOMAN: What is that? Look at that thing.
MAN 2: Some kind of a bird. MAN 1: No, it's a hang-glider.
L wish l were a bird.
The chrome-breasted input eater.
Dream on, Johnny.
Landing area, six o'clock.
Beginning final approach.
Hm. What's this?
Oh, aesthetic input. Sculptures, modern art.
Hmm. An early Brancusi?
Please, darling, it's a Hankoff. It's gaunt, angular...
Repulsive.
Hm?
What do you think, Mr. Slater? We can call it Funny Fingers.
Sandy, now you've been with us how long?
Two months, and you still haven't found
one item I'd even consider carrying.
The robots, sir. L found those.
Where are they? You're dealing with a street hustler.
Come on, Sandy, get with it. He's not a hustler.
He's a robotics engineer.
He worked for the government.
He's very, very business-like. A total professional.
Pardon.
Um... Delivery boy.
Oh. Sorry.
That was my boss. Sorry.
Yeah, now listen, Ben, what's going on with those robots?
We're getting close to the deadline.
We're manufacturing them like gang-bangers.
Busters. Gangbusters.
Busters. Yeah.
Okay, good. Good.
Totally professional. L knew l could count on you.
Ben, I can count on you, can't I?
Sandy, that Pogo Stick guy is waiting for you upstairs.
Oh. Um...
l gotta run.
Contact me as soon as the
complete shipment is ready, okay?
Sandy?
Excuse me, it's time to tell you something which is very important.
Yeah. L have a need to explain.
Oh, God.
There's a problem, isn't there?
You're not gonna be able to make the robots on time?
L knew it, l knew it.
Mr. Slater, he tells us don't take chances, so I don't,
and I take a chance and then...
No, please, everything's okay.
This is not my current discussion of topic.
Ben, then what is?
Well...
l am wishing to say there is a great deal of weather today.
Hey, you know you have attractive shoes and earrings.
Thank you.
L am fascinated by your hypnotic blue eyes.
L mean brown.
They're brown. Ben...
It's small talk.
Chatchit to increase the relationship.
Oh, no. Ben, you don't have to make small talk.
We're already in business, but what you do
have to make are those damn little robots.
And l really got to run, so why
don't you go back to work, okay?
Yes, l shall be damn sure telling you when the robots are to be completed.
To damn to be harder.
Hmm. Maybe a new wardrobe would help.
Sixty regular.
Great fit. Fashion statement.
Mixing in with all the other living bipeds.
I'm just like you, except I'm from out of town.
GIRL: Look at him. JOHNNY: They're buying it.
Wow!
Ohh. Beautiful architecture. Edifice, Romanesque.
JOHNNY: Yes.
Ohh.
Can someone direct me to the answers, please?
Oh, maybe that's where the answers are.
Hello.
Yes, my child? Hello.
Need input.
Input, well, that's what I'm here for, son.
People dislike me. Call me droid, ugly, mother...
My goodness. Well, I've been called a few names myself.
I understand it. It always hurt.
We all want to be liked.
But it doesn't really matter what people think of you.
It doesn't? No.
What matters is what you do, how you live
what the Lord thinks about you.
We're all equal before him.
All equal?
But l'm different. I'm a...
No, you're not.
No matter what you may have done, you're as deserving as anyone else.
You possess the immortal soul. That makes you equal.
Soul?
Yes, input from Bible, Koran, Upanishads.
Well, l lean towards the Bible, myself.
I possess immortal soul? Of course you do, my son.
You're human, right? No, I'm a machine.
But l am alive.
Now this is confession. You don't
play games in the house of God.
Not games. Have
questions, need answers.
Fine, then come to confession yourself. Don't send a machine.
You can't confess by remote control.
Now, out. Get out.
O'MALLEY: Hey, look at that thing over there.
MENDEZ: You think that's the
boozer that trashed the bookstore?
How many of these could there be? Hm.
All right, fun's over.
Oh, police officer.
Can you answer questions for me? Just the facts.
Whoever's running this thing, this is the police, come out now.
But l am out. Here l am.
Listen up now. We got complaints on this thing.
Complaints? L did something wrong? Hey!
All right. Ooh!
O'MALLEY: This is your last chance.
Either you come out now or we're impounding this piece of equip...
But l am not equipment.
Am passerby, man on street, average Joe.
Is this thing for real? Sure.
I'm just on my way to pick up the kids and my wife.
Yeah, my wife, Morgan Fairchild.
Yeah, that's the ticket. Ohh.
You will book me, Danno?
I will make your day?
Do not pass go? I'm underage, you know.
MENDEZ: Okay, hold it there.
Mug shots?
The chief said get a photo record of it.
What are we supposed to do? This jail is for human beings.
They may be scum, but they're human beings.
But l am alive. Read my lip lights.
L think, therefore l am.
Take it down to stolen goods.
L am not stolen goods. Out!
But hath not a robot eyes, hath not a robot hands?
Organs, dimensions, senses, affections, passions?
Lf you prick us, do we not bleed?
Yeah, battery fluid, maybe.
Let me get this straight.
You tried to sell Number Johnny Five?
Yeah. But it fell through.
So where is he now?
L lost him. Oh, l see.
So you lost him. Oh, well.
Hey, take it easy. L just misplaced him, you know.
Like your car keys, your...
How are you misplacing a 700-pound car key?
Don't come any closer. You coward.
Dirty old snake in the grass.
Benjamin Jarvee? Jahrvi.
Oh, hello.
BEN: Stolen goods warehouse?
He's looking to you like a household appliance?
Number Johnny Five.
Are you operational? Say something to me.
Hubcaps, corn dog, soul.
What is this?
He is delicate equipment.
A completely unique self-mobile microcomputer robotics system.
Yeah, we thought it was that.
Okay, Johnny Five, you're free to go. Okay.
BEN: What are these foolish
clothings you're wearing?
Attempt to look human, fit in, belong.
Unsuccessful.
Now, when people are looking at you, they see a machine,
so they are treating you like a machine.
But this causes strange feeling, emotion.
It's not good. What emotion is this?
It feels like desert, wasteland.
Can you explain a little more explicitly, please?
Unpleasant, hollow, cold.
Is it loneliness? Loneliness, solitude.
Yes, l have read about this in many books.
Francis Bacon said:
"A crowd is not company, and faces
are but a gallery of pictures."
Oh, well, you're hitting the nail right between the eyes.
Johnny Five, you should become accustomed to this feeling
because this is the way life is being usually.
Since I am leaving India,
l too am having much loneliness in this lifetime.
You're having loneliness too? But you're human.
Well, yes, humans are everywhere, this is true.
But for just two of these humans to be getting together to not to be lonely,
it is very, well...
Complicated? Correct.
Because out of all these humans,
there is only one that I am wanting to be the yin for my yang.
Which one human?
Sandy Banatoni, the human.
Oh.
Oh, every time I'm being near her, I sweat in the palms.
The duckbumps, l am so...
Like a sweaty duck. No.
Afraid. Afraid to be rejected.
Rejection makes you lonely?
Oh, yes.
You see, we have much in common.
You are lonely because no one is believing you are alive
and I am lonely because Sandy Banatoni is not knowing l'm alive.
But, Benjamin, I can help you.
Oh, no, no, no, I am completely un-helpable.
I cannot be a fast-talking socially-type person.
But in the bookstore, I scanned many megabytes
on male-female relationships, courtship and dating rituals,
romance novels, poetry.
I could give you input.
Number Johnny Five, you would be doing this for me?
Why, yes. You're my friend.
Oh, that is wonderful.
If you are even just helping me to speak to Sandy, well, I am jumping with joy.
Well, hey, give me five, hombre.
Why, yes, and give me the three. Oh.
MAN: No, catch fish fresh every day. WOMAN: No, those fish are old.
SAUNDERS: Look, you have no background in this field at all.
There is no way to get that robot to do what we want.
Sounds like a pretty good idea to me. We sure as hell can't get rid of it.
We can't even get our asses into the goddamn building,
so why shouldn't we get the robot to help us?
It's a "computer." It probably has custom operating system.
Hey, you're the expert.
The jewels go to the museum in two days.
We're flat out of time, buddy. So, what's your brilliant plan?
Exactly. There is no other plan.
This will be our only opportunity.
Now you two just keep that Indian fella and his partner out of that building.
Let me deal with the robot.
BEN: You have selected an appropriate location for my date?
JOHNNY: Yes, right on Sandy's way home.
I also remembered another great book:
Dating Do's and Don'ts for Modern Teens
BEN: Are you able to hear me?
Ten-four, good buddy.
Ah. And with a wave of my magic antenna...
JOHNNY: Presto.
Go, go, go. Now.
Do it. Okay, okay.
Lord Rama.
DRIVER: The ignition system's fouled up somehow. Sorry, folks.
Ben?
Oh, the Sandy. Sandy, what a coincidence you're here.
SANDY: This is so weird I was just thinking about you
And now here you are BEN: Yes, uh...
"Say there, Sandy, isn't that a swell dress you're wearing tonight?"
Thanks.
"lf it is okay with your mom and pop,
would you like to go to a malt shop for a cheeseburger?"
Uh, sure. Why not? Ohh.
SANDY: A malt shop?
BEN: Well, Hungarian malts. Very good
Oh, no. It's a better view.
Isn't it strange we should be meeting like this?
Meet, closeness, proximity, yes.
Well, "the goal of two ones who share proximity on a physical plane"
is to achieve a double oneness on the metaphysical plane."
Ben, don't go weird on me.
Just tell me you are making the robots and everything is really okay, right?
"Say, doll, this mug's got more moves than you got curves.
L cracked that case hours ago."
Does that mean you're done? On time, like l wanted?
Yes, definitely. Yes?
Great. Great.
SANDY: I'll arrange to have them picked up tomorrow
This is terrific I know they're gonna sell l have a good feeling about this
And, you know, this is great for me too
I mean, especially at this stage of my career.
Stage. Oh, that's a good one.
"Oh, well, I am thinking all the world is a stage."
SANDY: Yeah?
Well, yeah JOHNNY: Hey.
SANDY: Yeah. BEN: All the world is a stage
JOHNNY: Get off, get off.
You know Shakespeare?
"Are you troubled by irregularity?"
JOHNNY: Hey, get off, Felix, Sylvester, Garfield.
Do l look like a mouse?
Well, "it takes a tough man to make a tender chicken."
Ben, you're not doing any drugs, are you?
I mean... Oh, no, no, no.
L just knew this guy once who started talking
like you before he decided he was God.
God. God?
Jehovah, Krishna, Lord of Lords. L think he needs some coffee.
French now, huh?
Every time l meet you, l think to myself, "ls he naturally this eccentric?
Or is this just an act or what?" Hey! Move those balloons.
Move them. I mean, what are you really like?
Oh. L see. No answer to that one.
Why are guys like that?
Go on. L've never been able to figure it out
SANDY: And all the guys I ever met were exactly the same way.
When talking about themselves. Me?
SANDY: Their feelings and stuff.
Yeah, you.
SANDY: It's really irritating, I just don't get it at all.
Okay.
Guys just smile.
Wait. L know a little Spanish.
Oh, no, no, no.
My mother sleeps with your dog?
Oh, no.
Well, that's an expression in my country
where sometimes we are speaking Spanish.
It does not mean that your mother is sleeping with my dog. Oh, no, no.
It means that the people that she is sleeping with, they are like dogs.
L mean that they are friendly and loyal. Oh, no, what a maroon.
I think l better go.
Oh, no, no. L am...
Please, l am sorry, huh?
L am confessing to you now, Sandy.
Everything that l have been saying, it has been coming to you not from me,
but from my friend who has been controlling remotely the sign.
You mean you've had someone prompting you?
Yes, please, l must escape this embarrassment.
Don't. No, no, wait.
Sit. Please, sit down
Do you mean that you're interested in me personally?
Yes.
So that's what's been going on.
You've been trying so hard.
Ben, the expense alone.
Well, l am wanting so much to be able to speak to you with my tongue untied.
It's really sweet.
You could've just told me.
So, what do we talk about now?
Well, do you like music?
No, no, no. Don't tell me, don't tell me.
This, this, this one is "Bo Diddley" performed by Mr. Diddley himself.
What year? Nineteen...
Fifty-five. Fifty-five.
Oh, that's great.
Yes, I think this Mr. Diddley person did more for this country
than Warden D. Hardon.
Harding. Harding.
SANDY: It's okay, Ben.
Oh, my, how time is fun when you're having flies, huh?
Wait, l know this great all-night rock 'n' roll place.
An after-hours club. You up for it?
Oh, yes, I am in all directions for it most definitely.
We need a cab. No, l will get it, allow me, sir.
Ma'am. Pardon me. Taxi, taxi.
God, you can't even get a cab in this city.
Oh, did l startle you? What is that?
What is what? That.
There are 2312 taxicabs in this city.
And there's one now. Hey, taxi, cab.
And bull's eye.
SANDY: Ben, what the hell is that?
It looks a giant one of your toys. Yeah, well...
But yes, it does, doesn't it?
Ben, will you please tell me what that thing is?
Thank you for stopping.
Please. Excuse me.
Number Johnny Five.
Thank you, friend.
Now, you go back home. Okay.
JOHNNY: Okay, all loaded. One thousand toy robots.
Is that it, Robby? Mm-hm.
You enjoying planet Earth?
What?
Take me to your leader. Oh, what's this?
Hey.
This is XL-7, over and out.
Hmm.
Oh, Oscar. Hola, dude.
What's happening?
Number Johnny Five,
the date was
such a success.
We talked.
We danced.
We drank champagne.
Well, she sure came through with the money.
Benny, our first big score.
Look at that, half those zeroes are yours.
Come on, you're gonna hold a grudge all your life?
Be happy. We're finally making it.
Oh, no. No, no way.
Who are you guys, anyway?
Five? Number Johnny Five?
JOHNNY: Oh, Oscar, you're such a friendly guy.
L always enjoy talking to you.
Well, I've always enjoyed talking to you.
But you know something, Johnny?
I'm worried about our friends, Benjamin and Frederick.
Huh? Frederick is not my friend.
Well, to be perfectly honest, l never liked him either.
But Benjamin is our friend, right? True blue.
Now, with all the break-ins, the vandalism,
the sudden attacks by those thugs,
you and I have to make sure Benjamin is safe.
Okay.
Now, across the street out there is a little secret room
that l happen to know about, and it's a perfect hiding place.
And I thought Benjamin could use an escape tunnel to that room
in case those villains come back.
L worked it out in intricate detail.
It's taken me a long time, let me tell you.
Borrowing the blueprints, purchasing equipment.
Here, let me show you.
All right, get in there.
Oh, dear. FRED: l get it.
Industrial espionage.
See, we got a hot toy, so the big boys want it, right?
Relax, get comfortable. You're gonna be here for a while.
Somebody will let you out Monday morning.
FRED: Oh, yeah?
You screw around with Johnny Five,
he'll knock you into the next zip code, pal.
Hey, the robot's working for us now, pal.
And when he's finished, we're gonna turn him to aluminum siding.
No, sir, please.
Now, l wonder if you would help me
finish my hiding place
for our friend, Benjamin.
Certainly, Oscar. I'd detach my right arm for Benjamin.
And my let arm, or both arms.
Oh, wait.
Subterranean excavation requires many permits.
Department of Water, telephone company.
City planners. L have them, every single one.
Okay.
Low bridge.
This place is a mess.
Okay.
I'm sorry l tried to sell your goddamn robot, okay?
It was a dirty trick. I'm a jerk, l'm a sleazeball.
Yeah, you're getting warmer.
It's just that when you owe as much money as I do,
it kind of puts you under pressure.
And who would be foolish enough to loan money to you?
Don't rub it in. I had to go to a shark.
Oh, dear, and now you're expecting me to believe you borrowed money from a fish?
No, no, no, a loan shark.
It's somebody, you don't pay them back
they start removing popular parts of your anatomy.
This shark money, it is what you have used to help me?
L did it to help us, give us our big break, you know?
You are risking your popular body parts to start our business?
Yeah. Yeah, only then, l got greedier.
I mean, come on, a robot worth 11 million bucks.
L couldn't stand it.
L should've known it wouldn't work.
That thing ran me all over to hell and gone, which l deserve, I admit.
How do you control it, though?
Really, Benny, that thing doesn't work so good.
Well, there is something in which I have not told you also.
The reason that it is so difficult to control
is because it is just like you and l.
What are you talking about?
I mean, it is making a lot of mistakes because it is alive.
Alive?
OSCAR: l know what it's like for Benjamin,
working long hours for very little compensation.
L work all day with other people's money.
"Look, but don't touch. Don't make mistakes."
They treat me like a machine.
Like a machine?
This gives you bad emotion.
Loneliness, unhappiness.
Oh, Oscar. Come here, come here.
L understand.
So those two dickheads out there, if they smash Johnny Five up,
or they shut him down or something, he'll be dead?
Lf he's losing his power, yes.
That's it. We gotta get out of here.
The two of us together, we can take it. BEN: That's right.
One shot, mind over matter. You ready?
I'm ready, I'm definitely ready. On three, one, two, three.
Oh.
Well, my mind is not getting over that matter.
That is for certain.
Oh, good golly, I just remembered.
L am now missing my second date with Sandy.
Oh, no.
Ugh. Squid. L need squid.
Wait a minute. Wait a minute, they screwed up.
What? Look.
"Doo Wah's Chinese Restaurant and Deli."
There's the address right there. We know where we are.
But to whom are we to tell this earthquaking news?
Right.
Doesn't help us to save Number Johnny Five.
No, we may be too late. We've been here for hours.
It's unfortunate we are not carrying a telephone with us.
Oh, well, I left mine in the Mercedes. No, l am speaking seriously.
There's a telephone line here. I could wire in the telephone most easily.
Hey, Benny, well, can't you use that?
I mean, you're a high-tech kind of a guy.
Well, can't you make something?
You know, send them Morse code or something?
JOHNNY: ♪ Johnny's in the tunnel with Oscar ♪
♪ Digging 10 feet below ♪
♪ Johnny's in the tunnel With Oscar ♪
Juicy Fruit.
To hold the wire in place.
All right.
911.
Oh, Bharma, please.
Oh, ringing. It is ringing.
Ringing again.
And someone has picked up. Now quickly, tell me the code.
This Morse code. L don't know it.
What do you mean? L thought you knew.
No, that means...
What kind of electronics genius are you?
I am meaning technically. How am l supposed to know the code?
I can't believe you... Oh, dear.
What is that? The Beach Boys, 1964.
"Help Me, Rhoda." Rhonda.
Well, I'm studying popular music so I can increase
my relationships and communications with Sandy,
who l'll probably never be seeing again.
Wait a minute.
Fred has this weird idea.
♪ I don't know why ♪
♪ But I'm feeling so sad ♪
♪ I long to try something I ♪
Is this gonna work? Yes, yes.
I think she will understand. She's
very knowledgeable in this field.
Does she have an answering machine?
Oh, yes.
Greetings. Hello, l'm Sandy Banatoni.
I'm not here right now, but please leave message.
I'll get back on you soon as I return, but wait for the beeping beep.
Beep, all right, first one. Beep, yes, right.
BOTH: ♪ Help me, Rhonda Help, help me, Rhonda ♪
♪ Oh, where can you be? ♪
♪ Help me, Rhonda ♪ ♪ Seven-eight-seven ♪
♪ Eight-eight-nine-seven-four ♪
JOHNNY: ♪ Camptown robot sing this song Doo-da, doo-da ♪
♪ Think this tunnel's five miles long Oh, doo-da day ♪
♪ Gonna dig all night, gonna... ♪
Whoa.
Madson steel alloy, A-450.
I'll dig around it. No.
No, no, it's okay, it's okay.
Oh, yes, yes.
This is the secret room.
Now, l had planned to make an entrance with a cutting torch,
but perhaps you have a faster way, huh?
Entrance, portal. Right.
A hole. Yes.
DJ: Hey, good morning out there
You're tuned to Daddy-O's Patio, with stacks of wax
and golden-oldie platter chatter too, and we've got lots more on tap...
What the hell?
Wait a minute. Ben?
Stand back, please. My plasma cutter's dangerous to humans.
SANDY: Yeah, turn here, l think.
♪ They say the neon lights are bright On Broadway ♪
Broadway, it's gotta be it. Keep going.
Excuse me, but if you are worried for your friend to be safe,
why have you not call the police?
Oh, l called and they said that technically, he's just missing.
Technically, he has to be missing for 24 hours before he's officially missing.
But l know something's wrong. L just know it.
We have come to Broadway. Is it a left or right that I would hang?
Wait.
BOTH: ♪ You can always go downtown ♪
Downtown, take a left. Hurry up, please.
We may not have much time.
Okay, okay, okay, Ben, Broadway's a long street.
♪ Sixteen candles... ♪
Tony Romeo and The Crests. 16th Street.
That's it, 16th street. Go, go, go.
Hurry, hurry, please. Can't you go any faster?
Lf you get a ticket, I'll pay for it. Move, lady, move.
Okay, rocking lady, 16th Street. Next song, please.
Where'd you learn all this stuff? Leningrad black market.
Everything from ABBA to ZZ Top.
Oh, what is this?
You don't know this one? Otis Redding, "Dock of the Bay."
"Dock of the Bay," of course. "Dock of the Bay."
Go towards the docks. Okey-dokey.
Lucy, I'm home.
Oh, my God.
Ohh!
Oh! You're incredible.
Now, this is the room, the hiding place for Benjamin.
Isn't it wonderful?
Oscar, hiding place is bank vault, Heimdall bank vault.
Well, yes, yes, of course.
That's the whole idea, see?
What could be safer than a safe?
But isn't that...?
Now we need to do just one more thing.
We need to clear out all my old junk here.
Open this box.
But, Oscar, cutting hole in bank vault is not damage? Vandalism?
Don't be ridiculous. L own this vault.
You can't vandalize something that's already yours.
Come on, come on. Well, all right.
Hold this.
Now open this. Okay.
JOHNNY: Whoa!
Precious stones. Diamonds.
The Vanderveer Collection.
This is your old junk?
Yup. Excuse me.
Oscar owns the Vanderveer Collection?
Yes. What? Oscar.
DRIVER: "Louie, Louie."
SANDY: No, no, it's doo-doo-something.
Doo-doo-run-run.
Doo, Doo...
"Doo Wah Diddy," "Doo Wah Diddy." Yeah, yes.
What the hell's a "Doo Wah Diddy?"
"The warmth in your heart makes others happy."
l still like this one.
"Opportunity is waiting. You need but to open the door."
Arm yourself.
Hi.
It's coming, and it's smarter than I thought.
Get ready. We should take the damn robot too.
OSCAR: Don't be absurd.
But taking jewels without permission is stealing, boosting, ripping off...
Whoa, whoa! Aah!
You missed him, you missed him. It's half-busted, we'll finish it off.
You idiots! You don't even know what you're chasing.
Artificial intelligence... Will you shut up?
JOHNNY: No.
Help. Police.
Must find policeman.
Constable, gendarme. MAN: Hey.
OSCAR: Hurry up, we gotta get him.
Police, police station. Which way?
Hey.
MAN: Oh, God. Oh, God.
SAUNDERS: Where is he?
You have some explaining to do. Aah! Do something.
Oscar, enlighten me. Why try to disassemble Johnny Five?
Et-gay arce-scay.
JOHNNY: What? Is your speech program scrambled?
What? Et-gay arce-scay.
Et-gay ehind-bay im-hay!
Oh, right. I'm scared.
We better go. Oh, shit, yeah, yeah.
I'm scared, let's get out of here. Scared.
Oscar, l do not understand this input.
What language are you speaking, Oscar?
Oh! Ow!
Hey, no. No, wait.
Aah! OSCAR: Hit it.
Wreck it, wreck it. Don't you get it?
It's a witness. It can identify us.
No, stop. Please.
Not just machine... Ow!
Not disassemble. Am alive, can die.
Smash the damn thing! JOHNNY: No, no, please.
Am alive.
No, stop.
No, do not kill me. Aah!
No. OSCAR: It's still moving.
Get it. Hit it, hit it.
Hit it. No.
OSCAR: Rip it apart. Take its head off.
Hit it. Finish it off.
Hey, what the hell?
Come back here.
MAN: Hey, come back here.
OSCAR: That's it. Good. Good.
OSCAR: Look out.
SAUNDERS: Hey, those things can kill you.
Come on.
Number Johnny Five?
Johnny?
Fred. Fred, check outside.
Where is he?
A secret, sliding, descending staircase.
Johnny Five? Number Johnny Five?
Police, hands in the air. What is the meaning of...?
OFFICER: I said don't move. Stand apart now. Do it now. I said now.
Read him his rights.
Have you seen a robot about this big? Looks like a metal grasshopper.
No grasshopper today, huh?
J. Five.
Hey, stop.
FRED: Oh, God.
What did they do to you?
L can't. L can't.
The cops have got him.
Me? Me? Fix?
How? With what?
"Purple?" The purple wires, twist them back together?
Lo hell, bozo. Hello, "zobo."
Hello, bozo.
Thank God. Are you okay now?
No. Backup power "ingo."
Going.
Well, can't you just plug it into the wall?
Main "werpow..."
Power circuits are severed. Must lectrico...
Reconnect main battery. I know, open. Open quick like a bunny.
Oh, God, you're bleeding.
Yes, battery fluid. Fluid, fluid, fluid.
Oh, no, Fred, not your "shilk sirt." Silk shirt.
Ombyx mori... Forget it.
I think l got you bandaged. You gonna be okay now?
No. Must repair wiring to memory.
My memory is me.
If it loses power I die.
Expire. Buck the "kicket."
Yeah.
Just tell me what to do.
First, get soldering iron.
Iron, iron, iron. Thank you.
This is it, right? No.
No, that's not it.
L can't do this.
I'm no good at this stuff.
For 15 minutes you have to get good.
What? Plenty of time, time, time.
In a sort of runic rhyme, rhyme.
All right. All right, don't lose it.
Just tell me step by step.
BEN: All right, we were nowhere near that tunnel.
I personally was spending the night with a friend in a Chinese refrigerator.
It's true. Smell him.
Hurry, Fred. Hurry.
Backup power is going.
Hurry. Quickly.
Jesus.
Christ, lived from 1 to 33 AD.
There you go. Those are in now. This should be it, right?
Hope so.
Okay, here we go.
Hello, baby.
I told you you could do it.
Thanks.
Okay, ace? L get your arm working you could do the rest yourself, right?
K.O., Derf. Fred.
That's what I said, Derf.
Why did you get dinosaurs?
They were on sale at Woolworths Oscar said it didn't matter.
OSCAR: And it doesn't matter.
This will get us through customs just fine.
Our git to the Brazilian National Orphanage.
Oscar? That schlub? JOHNNY: Yeah.
I can't believe it. How you doing? You feeling better?
Approximately 70 present... President. Percent repaired.
Derf, why did Racso lie to me?
Try to disassemble me?
Racso? Oh, Oscar. Oh.
Well, the jewels, man. I mean, they must be worth... Who knows?
Thirty-seven million, 862,000 "lardolls."
l thought my friend he was.
Am naive. Gullible. Schlemiel.
Lesson number one, you can't trust anybody.
I trust you now.
Well, you shouldn't. I wouldn't trust me.
I tried to cash in on you too.
Humans are so "plicompcated."
Well, come on, buddy, don't take it so hard.
Welcome to life in the big city.
Jeez, Oscar suckered me and I'm the big con man.
He locked up me and Benny in a room full of frozen Chinese squids.
He locked you up?
He did not smash, crush, dent, mangle you?
No, he just wanted us out of the way.
Sure, kidnap the humans.
Destroy the machine.
Ooh!
All right.
Let's party.
FRED: Take it easy. You're okay now.
Am not human, but am a life form. Have soul.
He me killed to try.
Wait a minute, J. Five, what do you think you're gonna do?
Pursue, capture, incarcerate.
Come on now, man. These are serious guys.
You're not in top form, and your backup battery's used up.
I'm okay. Just a few Bugs Bunny to work out.
Perfectly functionality. Functionality.
Yeah, sure. Listen to yourself, you can't even talk straight.
Derf, a life form's gotta do what a life form gotta do.
Stand aside. Whoa!
Aw. No.
Yo. Hey, life form, cool it.
What is that? How much you want for it?
This is a hell of a way to treat a future American citizen.
Please, somebody... Excuse me, sir, you must listen to me.
A life is hanging in a tightrope. MENDEZ: Got a 10-31.
Whatever happened to... A guy was ripped off by a robot.
Yeah! BOTH: You!
This is ridiculous. Oh, hello.
They broke into my alarm system, but I didn't hear any noise at all.
Excuse me, you are Maniac Mike who is spotting the robot?
Yeah, yeah, yeah. Please, come with me.
No. My store was robbed. Come with me.
Yeah, okay. Take care of it.
Back to the scene of the crime. Hey, this is crazy.
You're never gonna find them. They're long gone.
Find them I will.
Activating spectroanalyzer.
A-ha! Vehicle tire tracks. Goodyear radials, 215-7515.
Hop on, Derf.
You can see their tire tracks? You can follow them?
Piece of corn. Can of cake.
Suck "doup."
Oh, no, fluid. He is leaking.
Hydraulic fluid? Brake fluid? Lighter fluid?
Mr. Manic, you're not knowing your fluids.
This is battery fluid.
He is bleeding to death.
Here. Parked. Gone.
Thataway.
Whoa!
Don't worry. My cousin was a Harley Davidson.
Ah. There, Chrysler LeBaron. Late model.
FRED: That's them? You did it. We got them.
WOMAN: Headed south on Central Avenue,
a man riding a motorcycle that looks like a robot
Six Charlie, do you copy?
That is him. That is Number Johnny Five.
This Charlie Six. Six Charlie, we're on it.
JONES: I don't believe it.
OSCAR: We gotta lose that thing.
WOMAN: Hey. You jerk.
We're never gonna catch them now. Oh, yeah? Check this out, baby.
What?
No, no, no. That's not a good idea. Trust me.
FRED: No. JOHNNY: Shortcut, as the crow flies.
Have seen utility maps in the bookstore.
We're on 59th headed east. No sign of the suspect.
No, we are seeing neither the hide nor the hair of them.
I am requesting a helicopter immediately, 4-10.
FRED: Do you know what l'm standing in?
JOHNNY: Suspect vehicle turning east on Lakeshore.
FRED: No, wait.
SAUNDERS: What the hell? OSCAR: Go around them.
JONES: Yeah, yeah.
OSCAR: Look out.
It's all right, we lost them.
SAUNDERS: I'm telling you, you're underestimating him, he's gonna find us.
FRED: See them? JOHNNY: Shh. Quiet.
FRED: "Quiet." You know what just floated past me?
WOMAN: Vehicle's low on fuel
What? No, it isn't.
WOMAN: Door is open
JOHNNY: And you're going nowhere, bozos.
SAUNDERS: What's going on? FRED: What are you doing now?
Pumping iron.
OSCAR: Is the car moving?
Prepare for launch. All systems are go.
JONES: It's not going.
JOHNNY: We have lift-off.
MAN 1: What happened?
MAN 2: Just get them out. Get them out.
Easy. Are you okay?
Are you okay? Easy. Yeah.
Hey, you. Here's Johnny.
Yeah, give me that.
Okay, jerk-off, you're gonna get recycled.
Oh, yeah? Recycle this, you meshuggenah schmuck.
Get out of my face, you ugly mother.
Yo, come on, you bug-eyed geek.
Do you feel lucky, punk?
WOMAN: Six Charlie, this sounds like your baby
We have a 10-34 between two men and a forklift
What is a 10-34?
Why does he not speak English?
Where are you going, Speedy?
Watch it, dink. You're out of your league.
JOHNNY: Dr. Ruth says,
"Violence is an expression of sexual frustration."
Saunders, you bastard, help me.
Eep-kay im-hay usy-bay.
Hey, you, you got water-cooled tubes. JOHNNY: What?
I got an error message for you. I'll scramble your RAM.
Oh, like, I'm really scared, you know, for sure. Hoo-hoo!
Yes. Yes, J. Five. Ha, ha, ha!
You rang?
Ew-scray ou-yay, ozo-bay.
Well, okay, pilgrim.
It's roundup time.
Five. Five.
Excuse me, could you put your arms down, please?
Sure.
Thank you. You're welcome.
Five.
Oscar.
It's a dead end, Oscar.
Give it up.
Hey.
Stop. So long, sucker.
Ha, ha.
Oh, yeah? Watch this.
JOHNNY: Rats. Can't lock on frequency.
Okay, Oscar, I'll pass you off at the head.
Hey, tough guy.
Ben.
Where is he? He is leaking.
He will run out of power and he will die.
Ooh! Aah!
No, Oscar. No.
OSCAR: Forget it. You can't swim.
Elevation. Altitude. Come on.
Oscar, you will not get away.
I am really pissed off.
Adios! Ha, ha!
OSCAR: No!
No.
Me Johnny. You busted.
OSCAR: Ooh, no, no.
What are you?
Punishment from God?
FRED: Johnny Five. Number Johnny Five.
Number Johnny Five, are you okay?
Shit. O'MALLEY: All right.
BEN: Get out of my way. Out of my way.
Please, officer. JOHNNY: Benjamin.
Number Johnny Five, what's wrong? Where's your auxiliary power?
What? His auxiliary power.
Backup battery? It's dead. Yes!
He used it up already.
Goddamn it. L knew he wasn't up to this.
Number Johnny Five.
You, medical person, pay attention to your job. Come here.
Quickly. Give me the defibrillator.
Ben, what are you doing? BEN: Give it to me.
Good bye, Benjamin.
No.
Hey, listen, you nutcase, give me that. Do not be touching me, sir.
Turn the power on to its topmost capacity.
Get back. Get back. Look out. Look out.
Number Johnny Five. Come on, Johnny Five.
Come on, lad. Come on, Johnny Five.
Come on.
Please, come on!
Please say something.
Benjamin.
My friend.
Oh, my God, Number Johnny Five.
Are you completely operational?
One hundred percent intact?
Perfectly K.O.
Keep that power on or I'll beat the living headlights out of you.
Oh, but I've got such a headache.
Number Johnny Five, you had me so worried.
Oh, pardon me.
MAN: See this guy? I know him.
Yeah, I know him. Fast reader.
Close personal friend of mine. Comes by here all the time.
You talk about speed-reading. Here's a guy that can really read.
FRED: You want my toys? Everybody wants my toys.
We're gonna be late.
Yeah, you want 5000, you got 5000. You just gotta wait six months.
Yeah, I got three shits working on it now. Not a hell of a lot I can do.
Okay. Okay, I'll get back to you.
I've been a salesman all my life. I finally got something that sells.
Hey, what do you think about this new slogan?
Johnny Five. You know the name, now own the toy.
What do you think? I think we gotta get in the car.
JUDGE: I solemnly swear...
CROWD: I solemnly swear...
JUDGE: That I will support and defend the constitution and the laws...
That I will support and defend the constitution and the laws...
JUDGE: Of the United States of America...
Hurry up. FRED: Coming.
CROWD: Against all enemies, foreign and domestic...
And that I will bear true faith and allegiance to the same.
CROWD: And that I will bear true faith and allegiance to the same.
And that I take this obligation freely...
Without any mental reservation or purpose of evasion.
JUDGE: So help me, God.
JUDGE: Congratulations to you all.
And, finally, it is my unique honor,
officially, to recognize our first robotic citizen.
By this ceremony, the United States government decrees
that he shall have the same rights and privileges
as any other citizen in this nation.
My special congratulations to you, Mr. Johnny Five.
JOHNNY: All right. Hee-hee-hee!
Thank you.
SANDY: Congratulations, Johnny.
And you.
Whoa. Kissing. Osculation. Hot tchotchkes.
My partner.
Mr. Five. Mr. Five, tell us how you feel.
How do l feel?
I feel alive!
SubRip: HighCode